As the Founder of a Helpful Gifting business, the irony of this question is not lost on me.

Since my daughter was four months old, I’ve been designing, researching, and developing We Are the Helpful. 

Mostly, this has been from the perspective of a friend, a daughter or sister wanting to better show up for the ones we love during life’s big, and not so big moments, to ensure that they’re never doing it alone.

But there’s another side to this coin, and I’ve recently learnt that it’s the harder side; being the one who desperately needs, but can’t find the words to ask for, or even muster the brain power to discern what kind of help you need, let alone graciously accept it.

It’s not just me; life is busier than ever. As a society, we’re overwhelmed.  The mental load is high, down time rare, and burnout caused by the chronic stress of having too many demands and not enough resources, is on the rise. 

In her article “How to ask for help”, Clinical Psychologist Debbie Sorensen shares that this often comes down to the sense that we no longer have access to the kind of social support that would ease the load. The Village no longer exists. 

Yet as humans, we’re literally wired to engage in acts intended for the benefit of others. Arguably, this is what enabled our success as a species. Why then, if our biology prepares us for just this, is it so hard to ask for help, and receive it? 

“For many of us, the tendency to not ask for help has been strongly reinforced over time” continues Sorenson. The cultural norms we live by shape how we feel about reaching out in times of need. 

According to Wayne Baker, PhD, faculty director of the Centre for Positive Organizations at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business, “most Western societies are very individualistic; self-reliance is the leading principle”. Of course this can serve us well, but too often we take it too far. 

By contrast, in more collectivistic, community driven societies, for example in Latin America, leaning on your inner circle is completely normal, in fact according to Pooja Lakshmin, CEO of Gemma, a digital mental health platform for women “it’s just part of the social contract.” 

So how do these cultural constructs impact us on a personal level, and stop us (and the ones we love) asking for help in the moments we really need it? 

Research by Sage Journals, revealed two poignant insights. Firstly, we tend to underestimate others’ willingness to help, and dismiss the fact that it actually feels good to help. 

Secondly, we completely overestimate how inconvenienced people would feel to be asked (truth bomb, they won’t be; in most cases if people can’t help, they’ll lovingly say so).

These assumptions, or limiting beliefs, go on to fuel: 

• Self-criticism: telling ourselves that asking for help means we’re incapable, weak, or lazy for not being able to do it yourself.
• Insecurities about how you’ll be perceived: that people will think less favourably of you, or that you’re a burden. 
• Self-sacrificing beliefs: that you should put the needs of others before your own.
• Overestimating the likelihood of rejection: the belief that no one would want to help – ‘why would they?’

BUT these fears have been comprehensively debunked by academics. In fact, research shows that we’re wired for the opposite.

Research by Jon Jecker and David Landy found that asking for help from someone may actually increase the bond between you, an insight reinforced by the fact that, despite our fears, vulnerability is actually perceived as strength by those around us. 

Not surprising, when considering (as revealed in this study by neuroscientist Tor Wager and his colleagues) that we have a brain circuit dedicated specifically to empathic care, aka the positive feelings that motivate us to help others, which – and this is the interesting bit - is connected to areas of the brain involved in rewarding activities like food and sex. 

As Summer Allen writes for Greater Good Magazine “by incentivising our ability to feel warmth and care in the face of another person’s suffering, activation of this circuit encourages acts of selflessness and compassion.”

So, asking for and accepting help actually deepens our social connections. 

Which is useful because we can’t do it all, alone. 

Studies by psychologists James Coan and David Sbarra suggest that when we choose (consciously or otherwise) not to connect with or lean on those around us, we shift our focus inwards, which leads to distress, poor health, and lower achievement (hello burnout). 

When our lives are rich in social connection, however, we feel we can take on the world and are happier, healthier, and more successful as a result.  

As Daniel Goleman writes in his book Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships “Resonant relationships are like emotional vitamins, sustaining us through tough times and nourishing us daily,”

So, if the benefits of doing so are clearly so great, how can we start to be more comfortable with asking for and receiving help, and encourage the ones we love to do the same when life’s ups and downs inevitably happen to them too? 

Inspired by Sorrenson’s article “How to ask for help”, here’s what we would do:

1. Acknowledge that asking for help can be uncomfortable but trust that it’s an important skill. The subsequent support you gain will quickly outweigh any discomfort you felt in asking. Plus, like anything it’s a muscle, the more you do it, the easier it will get.
2. Check your assumptions about asking for help. Self-criticism, concerns about how someone will see you, or beliefs that no one will want to help are almost always unfounded.
3. Consider who in your inner circle to ask. Think about who has the skills, ability or time to help you in the way you really need. 
4. Consider the best time to ask.  The reality is they’re exhausted too, while they’ll undoubtedly be happy to help, be mindful of asking when they are too stressed out or tired.  
5. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Notice any fear, anxiety or shame that arises, label the emotions, summon your courage, and ask anyway.
6. Be honest, candid and clear. If you’re not sure what to say, try opening with ‘I’ve been struggling with ____. would you be willing to ____?’ If you’re not sure exactly what kind of help you need, ask if you can talk it through together.
7. If someone agrees to help, let them – and receive it gratefully. Relinquishing control can feel scary, but you know you can’t do it all on your own. 
8. Get comfortable with people lovingly saying no. Don’t assume the worst about why someone turned you down. Getting help often requires asking several people.

In my own experience, asking for and accepting help has brought me closer to those around me.  Deepening the relationships we have and has also further opened the door to allow greater honesty and a reciprocity of deeper sharing. 

It’s this exchange that allows entry into the most exclusive club on earth, your inner circle.

Sources:

• https://www.self.com/story/how-to-ask-for-help
• https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/09567976221097615
• https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-ask-for-help-without-discomfort-or-apology
• https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/001872676902200407
• https://greatergood.berkeley.e...